Pathways of Grief I: Frequently-Shared Aspects of Grief

Each individual’s grief journey is unique. At the same time, there tend to be commonly-shared aspects of the grief process. Grieving might include feelings of shock, numbness, anger, sadness and guilt. The grieving person becomes preoccupied with the deceased (or other loss) and disconnected from others and the goings-on of the external world.

Another’s death reminds us of our own vulnerability and, consequently, our own mortality. We might think, "This person died, and so will I."  The death of a spouse, parent or older sibling might place the griever as the oldest living person in the family, creating an expectation that he or she will be the next person in the family to die.

An additional aspect of the grieving process is that death or loss often will remind the griever of past losses, and the feelings and circumstances associated with those losses. If grief over past losses is incomplete, the grief process might be more complicated. If the griever has integrated past losses, they likely won’t overwhelm the griever or overshadow the current loss; rather they will tend to be experienced as gentle remembrances.

Over time, these various feelings and behaviors tend to alternate with feelings of well-being and increased involvement with others and with life. The griever puts into perspective the awareness of his or her own mortality, and begins to reformulate an identity and a life that does not include the deceased. At the same time, the griever forms a new emotional relationship with the deceased, finding a way to keep alive a memory of the deceased, and perhaps finding an ongoing way to honor him or her. This is referred to as forming a continuing bond with the deceased.