Contemporary Ways of Thinking about Grief and Grieving

Research, clinical evidence and evolving contemporary norms have all had a role in changing how mental health professionals, clergy and laypersons think about grief and grieving. Historically, people thought that grieving should be private and mostly something not talked about. Many people followed specific rituals established by their religion. Ultimately, grief was something the griever was expected to “get over.”

The baby boomer generation had a significant role in re-conceptualizing grief and the grief process. As a generation, baby boomers had access to considerable affluence, including material goods. Boomers also were exposed to the casualties of the Vietnam War, whether directly or through intense and graphic media coverage. Conflict and debate about the morality and efficacy of the war were prevalent. These issues and other socio-cultural developments reflected distrust of conventional institutions, and bred a yearning for spirituality, personal expression and authenticity.

Correspondingly, the experience and expression of grief became more open and personalized. People began to speak more freely about their feelings, and expect a more personally meaningful experience of their loss, and from their loss. Today, people tend to seek their unique truth, purpose and identity through their grief process. There is more validation and celebration of the deceased’s life, and an acceptance of what is termed, “continuing bonds”—rather than simply getting over the death and moving on, the survivor’s relationship with the deceased continues, providing consolation, and changing over time.

The grief process is no longer seen as going through predictable “stages.” Rather, it is thought of as “oscillating” back and forth between engaging in the “tasks of grieving,” and adjusting to life anew, which has been called “meaning reconstruction” and “relearning the world.” Grief is a natural process and experiencing the pain and despair of the loss is a natural and necessary part of moving forward.

For some people, support from professionals or other grievers can be helpful. Grievers who had a conflicted or abusive relationship with the deceased, are isolated, or who have untreated mental health issues, will likely benefit from grief counseling. Individuals experiencing “disenfranchised grief”—those who are unable to express their grief in public or are unsupported in their grief will likely benefit from grief counseling. Disenfranchised grief happens when the deceased, the griever or the relationship is unrecognized or disregarded by society. For example, the griever is very young, very old, or developmentally disabled; the deceased died as a result of substance abuse, gang violence or suicide; or the griever and deceased were divorced, involved in a secret affair, or were co-workers.

Changes in how society views the grief process have opened the door to a more aware, accepting and individualized experience for grievers. Although grieving a loss isn’t easy, over time it can be life-affirming, and grievers can maintain a continuing bond with, or memory of, the deceased that offers comfort and the opportunity for personal growth.